Tilly Rivers

This too shall pass

Dear World- it’s me…Tilly

When I look back it reminds me how far I have come ahead. It reminds me that I have grown and become better.  Life lessons for the most part aren’t pleasant, but if  I deal with my feelings, and I mean really DEAL with them, sit in the pain, let myself cry and wail, let myself be angry, let myself get it out, and not push it down, not pretend everything is okay, I am better. Below are my words written in my journal ;2005.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~At the time, I felt scared and lost.  The feeling of “What the fuck am I doing wrong?” Like a buoy in the ocean, anchored but not. Floating but not going anywhere.  Waiting…for what?  I  haven’t a clue?  Just waiting, just thinking, yet not thinking at all.

A blanket of ice surrounded me, darkness that I welcomed.   Not knowing who I am, not knowing who I want to be.  Not knowing why this was happening, and why I allowed it too happen.

I trusted someone I shouldn’t of in my past, and did not even recognize the abuse until it was too late. I have asked myself a million times, how could I have not seen it?

What I did next was worse. I buried it. Deep. To the point of denial. I pretended it didn’t matter, that I was over it. In the end I paid a price, because it wasn’t over, I let it control my relationships with others, I let it make me distrustful and hard and I let it take away parts of who I was.

The worst part? I stopped trusting myself, my judgement in people, in love. Now I know I it wasn’t me, but him, he was mentally imbalanced, and the things he did were not because of love, but because he was fucked-in-the-head.

I needed to learn that it was okay to be pissed off. That there was not something wrong with my heart, or my judgement. I needed to learn that I was tricked, and that he was very good at hiding his truth. That is on him, he owns that, not me.

One day maybe I will write about the extent of the abuse I suffered from the hands of another, and it will unfold as a story, like watching a film on the big screen, no longer capable of harming me.

I have learned that I will always carry the scars of the years wasted in pain, but that pain no longer holds me captive.

Now I know that if you pretend that it never happened, you will continue to avoid life. If you ignore it, if you let it fester deep down it comes back and bites you square in the ass, saying “Pay Attention Girl!”

I know that I am not helpless or hopeless.

 “Before a dream is realized, the soul of the world tests everything that was learned along the way.  It does not because it is evil, but so that we can in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we have learned as we have moved toward that dream.  Every search begins with beginners luck, and every search ends with the victor’s being severely tested.” ~Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist~

I have learned that my personal mantra is simple. “Just breathe Tilly Rivers, for this too shall pass.”

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just breathe_tillyRivers

© Copyright 2017, Tilly Rivers. All rights reserved.

 

 

Thank you

Dear World it’s me- Tilly

To: J, S & D

Thank you for every time you went left, when I thought you should have gone right. I thought it was my job to protect you, to fix-it, whatever ‘it’ was. I thought as a parent that I needed to clear the road so you didn’t stumble.

I was wrong.

Instead you taught me that even though you stumbled a little the path that was correct for you was the one you were on.

Thank you for telling me ‘no’ even if at the time I was upset, I thought I knew better, but as it turns out, you knew, you knew what was right and pure and true for your spirit, for your growth and for you to experience life your way.

Thank you for every mistake, not yours, but mine, for you, my dear sweet wonderful ones, taught me to grow and become better and learn. You took me with you on a journey that I never would of experienced. I would not be the person I am if I hadn’t taken those steps.

Thank you for teaching me to understand that you needed to be you, and that I needed to let go and look how wonderful you are, each of you, true to yourselves and walking the path you have chosen.

I will try harder not to worry so much, I know I worry too much, I trust you will make the right choice for you, and even if you don’t, I will trust you’re on the path you were meant to be on, for you have proven to me that you are your own beings, and capable of handling what life gives you, the good, and the bad.

Thank you for being amazing, and free, and loving, and thank you most of all for just being you.

I love you, I am proud of you, and I am so happy you are in my life ‘as is!’

Imperfection

Dear World- it’s me: Tilly

For me perfection is not in what is perfect, it is in the imperfections, every flaw and fiber of who you are, the good, the bad and the ugly. The dark and the light.

Reality

Truth

It is the obstacles defeated, the expereinces life has given you, the mars of the body

It is in the ability to see above, beyond & over, to see all of me, as I see all of you, existing honestly and knowing that you are true to yourself, as I am true to myself.

Perfection is often fake, an image, the illusion of what you want to show, the carefully hidden, the ‘make-up’ you apply to hide the fear you carry, scared or embarrassed by the flaws.

Perfect to me is about the courage to be confident with every scar showing

tillyrivers_rain_hands

Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring. ~Marilyn Monroe~

Come…play with me…

In a world of white beige or grey
I see blues, greens and reds
Fairies dancing
The enchanted

In a world of white wash
Transparent glass
I see oranges, yellow and purple
Pixies
The enthralled

In a world of faded light
Ignored by the masses
I see pinks, gold and silver
Glimmering Sprites
The mesmerized

I am colour
Come…
Play with me…

tillyrivers_paint
Copyright ©  Tilly Rivers

Dear World- Real Life

Dear World- it’s me Tilly

Have you ever asked yourself why you stopped focusing on real-life, the every day moments that matter? As a society have we really traded in conversations for screens?  Any screen seems to do the trick really, your phone, your computer, your tablet, the television, anything that you can bury yourself in so that you don’t have to pay attention to the people in your life that are real.

I remember as a child growing up that after a certain hour a station on the TV would stop broadcasting and the screen would turn to static, it was called ‘white noise,’ an annoying noise in the background. Is that what real-life is now?  Is a conversation between two people becoming an annoyance? Would you rather watch life, lurking in the background or creeping someone’s profile on Social Media than engage in your own life and build the relationships you have?

Have you noticed that as you spend more and more time with your screen, that the people around you start doing the same thing? Screen life, verses real life.

I get that we need an escape from the everyday, and need to take some time just for ourselves, and maybe that ‘escape’ is a game on Facebook, or reading a funny tweet, or whatever, but when your focus is 98% on screen verses off screen- when you would RATHER watch something or someone else than be present in the moment, when REAL-LIFE is a picture to put on screen, or a video in the hopes of it going viral… I think that can lead to regrets, for no one is in your life forever, and time can not be reversed.

How many times in your life have you heard, or said “If only I had five more minutes, with {a parent, spouse, child, grandparent, lover, friend etc.}?” In your grief, you have come to realize that you have FOREVER lost the opportunity to be with that person and you vow that  you will ‘stop and smell the roses, because life is too short’….but like most promises we make to ourselves, we don’t follow through, not because we lied, not because we are horrible, our intention was honourable at the time, but because….

Because….

Because why?

talk-to-me_tillyrivers

Ladies: Fun Ways to Boot out a One-Night-Stand

© Copyright Tilly Rivers 2005, all rights reserved

It’s an equal opportunity world peeps, women can and do have one-night stands; and this is a  ‘just-for-laughs’ list on how to boot out that guy in the morning that seems a little too clingy.

{Note: for the haters, no I am not advocating one night stands, nor am I saying that you should do it- that choice belongs to the individual}

1. Ask him what his ten-year plan is for your future children…
2. Look him directly in the eye and ask him if he would like to serve you breakfast in bed….for the rest of your life.
3. Wake up with a stretch and say… “Man I had this horrible dream that I was with this guy that”… look over and exclaim, “oh sorry…”
4. Get on the phone and pretend to be looking for the justice of peace in your area…. When he looks at you strangely, cover the mouthpiece and say. “ But you said we were going to elope last night…don’t you remember?”
5. Ask him for his mother’s number so you can set a family meeting…
6. Tell him he is worthy of being introduced to your…ten…cats…
7. Ask him if he thinks the laws for stalkers are too serious….
8. Pretend to be looking for clothes in your closet and mumble that you just know your mother’s wedding dress is in here some where….
9. Roll over and ask your make believe friend Mage if she likes the man in your bed, and than have a fight why he is just the perfect one….
10. Invite him over for the weekend at your place on planet Xaina… the third planet from the tenth sun, in the second solar system….