Dear World

Stuff I think about

Blended Family

Dear World it’s me- Tilly Rivers

I can’t even begin to explain, this love I have for a family that technically isn’t even mine. At least not by blood or DNA-The word ‘step’ I don’t really get- who came up with that anyway? Step-Mom, step child- step,–what-ever—-family is family no matter how you get there.

I mean seriously what the fuck does ‘step’ even mean? I am sure if i wanted to spend some time on Google I could find the origins of the word- but it sucks, no matter how you cut it.

How about- family- blended, mine, yours, ours- what does it matter? Love is what counts. Our’ family didn’t come together young and grow up together, nope- they already were full of  anx and personality, issues and attitudes: pure passion and wonderful opinions, they teach me and keep me young and I love every second of it.

Now- this moment I am a young -sexy as hell- Grandma of four, 2 girls, 2 boys. It doesn’t matter which of the four have my blood, they are ALL my babies, I love them so much , and me posting publicly that I am a Grandma (don’t forget the young- sexy as hell part) is a huge thing for me, after all, the ‘Grandma’ stereotype- not so flattering- but guess what? Like step-it’s a word- what counts is the passion and conviction behind it.

I truly LOVE my family, they are my world- 5 children & their amazing partners, 4 grandchildren- my guy and me- we are creating this wonderful and amazing thing called chaos- otherwise known as family.

To: My warlock and our amazing, wonderful, blended family, thank you for being part of my journey. I love you all so very much.

 

 

 

Advertisements

Beautiful Moments: Critters

Dear World- It’s me: Tilly

Maybe it’s just the winter blues, or maybe it’s something else but I have found my spirits to be a little low lately, so I am reminding myself of the beautiful moments in this crazy world. You know- like the smell of fresh mowed grass- or the taste of that first coffee in the morning.

Today’s beautiful moment reminder is: Critters. I love animals, and we have three critters:

2 dogs and a cat- a triangle of mischief, love and smiles.  Pets are amazing, they comfort you when your down, never judge, are always happy to see you; and think you are the ‘best’- always. Perhaps the relationship between a pet and human is the true meaning of unconditional love. People are more complicated there are always judgments, deal-breakers and conditions.

Critters in general are a source of great love for me, from the sound of birds singing their morning melody outside my window, to my spirit animal(s) guiding and protecting me, they truly provide beautiful moments in a world that can be toxic, negative and grey.

Beautiful Moments: Gardens

Dear World- It’s me Tilly

There is something incredible about a garden, the magik of the earth, sun and water working together, nature’s fusion of life, from seed to harvest, from pollen to beauty. Flowers, vegetables , trees, shrubs- I love them all.

The feel of the earth, the heart-beat of life, as I hold it in my hands, I am humbled to think that I- a speck in the Universe, can create life with just a little bit of love, work, dirt, sun, water and luck.

For me, gardening is a type of meditation, it calms my soul while it fills me with fresh energy,  I savour each scent, each colour, each bud.

“I did that- I grew that- that was me”

Playing in the dirt- one of my favourite things to do- definitely a beautiful moment in the great adventure of being me.

 

 

 

Tis the Season

Dear World- It’s me- Tilly

I realize that not everyone has embraced the holiday spirit yet this year; I know some of you have different traditions and do not celebrate Christmas; or are just down-right Scrooge-like; I know too that some of you may be grumbling and saying- “it’s way to early for all these Christmas posts”- however I am keenly aware of how damn happy this time of year makes me. There is a reason why “it’s the most wonderful time of year.”

It is not that everyone is a little bit kinder this time of year — some aren’t but I still get excited the first time I walk through a store and see Christmas decorations and trees on display. Every year, I find myself counting down the days until my local radio station begins to play non-stop Christmas music.

So, I ponder one question: Why has this feeling not been lost on me yet? Why am I not jaded as too many are?

I believe it is the little things and the traditions about this season that keep me excited this time of year. I believe while unpacking all of that mistletoe, holly and tangled Christmas lights; I also unpack the feelings of years gone by.

MomDad

My Parents- Christmas 1977

Nostalgia and the smell of pine fill the house and I remember the house I grew up in. The holiday season, to me, is a true and honest escapism back into my childhood when life was simpler, sweeter and more innocent. I didn’t just believe in the magic of Santa, I was positive it was all very real.

A line from one of my favorite holiday songs goes, “Through the years, we all will be together, if the fates allow.” As an adult, I know how truly lucky we are if we are all here this time next year together; that life is short and loved ones lost.
Life is fleeting, and nothing is guaranteed. I am eternally grateful for another year with family and friends. Though the magic and anticipation I felt as a child have transformed into what I feel today, it is still magic, nonetheless.

And in my little way, I want to spread the magic for as long as I can; and hopefully….just maybe….a flicker of the magic will catch on and before you know it, we are all in a “happy place.’

Sending love on the wings of the wind ~T~

Today we planted flowers at your grave

July 29, 2017

Dear Mom & Dad,

Today we planted flowers at your grave. My sisters and I, your daughters times three.

No special occasion, just a sunny day in July.

Today I cried as the shovel scraped the headstone, I wanted to remember the sound of your voices, not the eerie echo of a silent stone.

Today I swallowed the sobs deep inside, trying hard to be strong, but the pain was heavy and the tears sprang free.

My sister asked if I was okay…I nodded and whispered I was fine.

Deep inside my heart I know the truth, part of me will never be alright again.

I carry on each day, honouring you by being the best person I can, a woman you can be proud of.

I miss you both so very much, love you beyond measure.

Today we planted flowers on your grave, my sisters and I, your daughters times three. A little crooked and off center, a symbol of our love, forever.

 

Vision or dream?

Dear world…It’s me…Tilly

I was lying in the state of timelessness absorbing the sun from the window and clearing my mind when I  saw myself leave my body and look back at me lying on the floor and we smiled at each other. In my vision  I was completely naked.

I ran and jumped into the air and felt the slice through the clouds, the wisps of air tickling my naked flesh, the tingling of the clouds welcoming me, playing with me and I laughed.

The clouds carried me. A journey. Time blended into nothingness, clouds, lifted me up until I was standing on a rainbow.

The colors were brilliant yet transparent. Like a stain glass window. I was amazed that the rainbow was not slippery, for in my imagination I have always thought it would be, like a giant slide.  I can’t explain the texture, it was…magical.

I walked along the highest curve;  I knew I was going up yet I did not feel as if I was climbing, like you would a hill, I felt upward motion but there was no physical sensation of doing so.

As I stood at the top of the arch I looked down. Not over the rainbow but through it and saw my body alight from the sun, still lying on the floor, the earthly me and the other me and we smiled at each other; connected yet apart.

The rainbow moved, guiding me now instead of me walking, and I sat on the downward slope. My naked bottom touching the rainbow and I marveled at the feel. It was warm not a misty dampness as I had always thought, a warm heat. As if the rainbow read my thoughts, I felt it smile and  it carried me down the other side. The wind caressed my flesh, and I never felt more alive more excited in my life.

I landed on the other end of the rainbow into a magic treasure that so many seek but never find. I looked up at the rainbow and it smiled.

“Building dreams Tilly is what you are meant to do.”

I laughed and took a hand full of the bounty and threw  up the golden discs and they came down like a shower over me. Not hard, and clanking as coins do. Not solid gold pieces that would hurt your tender flesh if they were thrown on you, but a fluid gold ocean that absorbed me, like the ocean on your flesh joined with you. The laughter rang out from the world below and I laughed with the world.

I looked down, through the gold ocean and  you were standing there. Solid.  You looked up and saw me and a small smile edged the corner of your mouth.

Tilly Rivers_Rainbow

That look. The look you have when you think I am going to/ or have done something totally outrageous that only I would do.

The look that said while you admire my spirit, you had mixed feelings about it. The look of envy that you wish you too could unchain yourself to be free as you craved.

The look of fear. Fear of falling, of failing.

The look of protection. The combined measures of “go Tilly go”, and the “will you please get down before you get hurt”.

I beckoned you to come with me. You shook your head.

I knew you were scared. Scared to leave the solid physical plane of earth, scared to leave the familiar. Scared to let go, for you were thinking that you would spin out of control.

I reached out my hand. I would be your anchor for as long as you let me. For as long as you needed me.

I whispered  “Don’t be scared, I will not let you fall.”

That was when I returned to my earthly self.

It’s okay my love; I won’t let you spin out of control.

Leap. You’re going to be fine.

Be free to be you.

I am reaching out my hand… I won’t let you fall.

Love, T

Veils of me

Dear World. It’s me…Tilly

The veils of me.

Like wisps of coloured tissue paper layers covering the gift underneath. Light pieces of paper, each one fragile, at the mercy of the giver.  Will the layers be stripped with ruthless selfishness, the layers stripped without thought or will the layers be removed with care?

Have you ever wondered why the beautiful woman in the dance of many veils never truly reveals her entire naked frame? Why her audience sits spell bound with wonder while they wait for each element of translucent material to be seductively removed from her body as she turns, arches and spins her lure?

The dance is to seduce the one in whom she dances for, the way the luminous layers of material are removed from her body. It is about not the body underneath, it is not even about the beauty of the woman. For in actuality you never really notice her face, it too is covered.

It is about the journey. As you sit and watch with your breath held in your lungs to see which way she will turn her body for your visual pleasure next. It is about the stimulation. Your mind conjures with the unexplained within. Which veil is next? How will it be removed? What flash of the person will she reveal?

The dancer knows she is not so much exposing herself to her audience, as she trusts the audience to appreciate the web being created for their pleasure. Never a trap, nor a game of manipulation for she detests these in others and would not be part of that game. More the dance of creation. A delicate web of silk strands not to hold you in but to share links together. Trust. For some it is easily given and sadly even more easily removed.

For me it is given rarely.

veil dance_TillyRivers_2017

My Mother use to tell me that I was given a sensitive soul. A blessing. I absorb energy, feel everything, sometimes to an extreme, the energy  becomes a part of me, naturally giving, spiritually open, but is this a blessing? Or do I need to protect myself? Afraid of being engulfed? It is both.

People in general do not understand or experience a state of union with another. They certainly do not understand how once I have opened the portal of my energy and allow another in that they have the power to not only hurt me but mark a part of my soul.

It took some life lessons for me to learn to protect myself. My super-charged sensitivity made me an easy mark for energy vampires, whose fear or rage would sap my energy and peace of mind.

I have learned that not all are worthy of all layers of me. In all things there is balance and in my own dance of veils called life, I keep the final veil for those that carefully, and lovingly remove the tissue paper knowing that each layer is the gift not just the core, and once they see and understand the gift of me, they know it is not a one-time thing, that I am linked to them forever.

Love, T