Month: May 2017

Veils of me

Dear World. It’s me…Tilly

The veils of me.

Like wisps of coloured tissue paper layers covering the gift underneath. Light pieces of paper, each one fragile, at the mercy of the giver.  Will the layers be stripped with ruthless selfishness, the layers stripped without thought or will the layers be removed with care?

Have you ever wondered why the beautiful woman in the dance of many veils never truly reveals her entire naked frame? Why her audience sits spell bound with wonder while they wait for each element of translucent material to be seductively removed from her body as she turns, arches and spins her lure?

The dance is to seduce the one in whom she dances for, the way the luminous layers of material are removed from her body. It is about not the body underneath, it is not even about the beauty of the woman. For in actuality you never really notice her face, it too is covered.

It is about the journey. As you sit and watch with your breath held in your lungs to see which way she will turn her body for your visual pleasure next. It is about the stimulation. Your mind conjures with the unexplained within. Which veil is next? How will it be removed? What flash of the person will she reveal?

The dancer knows she is not so much exposing herself to her audience, as she trusts the audience to appreciate the web being created for their pleasure. Never a trap, nor a game of manipulation for she detests these in others and would not be part of that game. More the dance of creation. A delicate web of silk strands not to hold you in but to share links together. Trust. For some it is easily given and sadly even more easily removed.

For me it is given rarely.

veil dance_TillyRivers_2017

My Mother use to tell me that I was given a sensitive soul. A blessing. I absorb energy, feel everything, sometimes to an extreme, the energy  becomes a part of me, naturally giving, spiritually open, but is this a blessing? Or do I need to protect myself? Afraid of being engulfed? It is both.

People in general do not understand or experience a state of union with another. They certainly do not understand how once I have opened the portal of my energy and allow another in that they have the power to not only hurt me but mark a part of my soul.

It took some life lessons for me to learn to protect myself. My super-charged sensitivity made me an easy mark for energy vampires, whose fear or rage would sap my energy and peace of mind.

I have learned that not all are worthy of all layers of me. In all things there is balance and in my own dance of veils called life, I keep the final veil for those that carefully, and lovingly remove the tissue paper knowing that each layer is the gift not just the core, and once they see and understand the gift of me, they know it is not a one-time thing, that I am linked to them forever.

Love, T

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This too shall pass

Dear World- it’s me…Tilly

When I look back it reminds me how far I have come ahead. It reminds me that I have grown and become better.  Life lessons for the most part aren’t pleasant, but if  I deal with my feelings, and I mean really DEAL with them, sit in the pain, let myself cry and wail, let myself be angry, let myself get it out, and not push it down, not pretend everything is okay, I am better. Below are my words written in my journal ;2005.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~At the time, I felt scared and lost.  The feeling of “What the fuck am I doing wrong?” Like a buoy in the ocean, anchored but not. Floating but not going anywhere.  Waiting…for what?  I  haven’t a clue?  Just waiting, just thinking, yet not thinking at all.

A blanket of ice surrounded me, darkness that I welcomed.   Not knowing who I am, not knowing who I want to be.  Not knowing why this was happening, and why I allowed it too happen.

I trusted someone I shouldn’t of in my past, and did not even recognize the abuse until it was too late. I have asked myself a million times, how could I have not seen it?

What I did next was worse. I buried it. Deep. To the point of denial. I pretended it didn’t matter, that I was over it. In the end I paid a price, because it wasn’t over, I let it control my relationships with others, I let it make me distrustful and hard and I let it take away parts of who I was.

The worst part? I stopped trusting myself, my judgement in people, in love. Now I know I it wasn’t me, but him, he was mentally imbalanced, and the things he did were not because of love, but because he was fucked-in-the-head.

I needed to learn that it was okay to be pissed off. That there was not something wrong with my heart, or my judgement. I needed to learn that I was tricked, and that he was very good at hiding his truth. That is on him, he owns that, not me.

One day maybe I will write about the extent of the abuse I suffered from the hands of another, and it will unfold as a story, like watching a film on the big screen, no longer capable of harming me.

I have learned that I will always carry the scars of the years wasted in pain, but that pain no longer holds me captive.

Now I know that if you pretend that it never happened, you will continue to avoid life. If you ignore it, if you let it fester deep down it comes back and bites you square in the ass, saying “Pay Attention Girl!”

I know that I am not helpless or hopeless.

 “Before a dream is realized, the soul of the world tests everything that was learned along the way.  It does not because it is evil, but so that we can in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we have learned as we have moved toward that dream.  Every search begins with beginners luck, and every search ends with the victor’s being severely tested.” ~Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist~

I have learned that my personal mantra is simple. “Just breathe Tilly Rivers, for this too shall pass.”

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just breathe_tillyRivers

© Copyright 2017, Tilly Rivers. All rights reserved.

 

 

Inner thoughts and feelings from my journal.

Copyright Tilly Rivers 2017

 

Dear World- It’s me…Tilly

Sometimes I wonder why a journal is kept secret, why are they hidden? Are we so ashamed of our thoughts and feelings, so scared that we will be judged that we need to hide the truth of who we are?

I believe that  inner true thoughts are not so much secret as they are sacrosanct. The sad part is that most people do not have someone that they trust enough to be pure with. Someone who will not judge as they lay open their weaknesses, fears and sacred core too.

That is sad. I am blessed that I have moved passed the worry of being judged, I am who I am and I’m not scared to speak my truth, to tell my experience and to share my thoughts.  I wrote this  in 2009 and wanted to share it here-today.   Inner thoughts and feelings of me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~With Mom falling so sick so quickly after Dad passing away (funny I can say that now, deep breath, My Dad is dead.) I realized something very important about myself as I was standing in the corner of the hospital room. After searching high and low for a spot with no one in (not an easy feat by the way as people are every where) it I crunched low in a ball in a dark corner and just stared into nothingness.

I was lonely, for the first time I think ever. I was lonely. Needed arms to hold me, words to give me strength and encouragement.

You see normally that would come from the major corner stone in my life. My Father. But he was not there and even while siblings surrounded me, I was alone, scared sick, and frantically just wanted to run. It flowed over me like a descending blanket and all I wanted was to escape. I couldn’t handle this. I was helpless and knew I was losing my Mother.

How badly I wanted to just jump up and disappear from every one and every body. Just be one with the wind on a journey to nowhere.

Avoidance I know. The avoidance of a pain I knew that was coming that could not be healed, could not be fixed.

My love of my parents is so deep. How will I face losing them both? I am so scared that part of me won’t recover and  I will wander in the dark desperately searching for the light switch…forever.

Lonely.

Not a nice feeling. Hate it really, standing so frenetically needing arms to hold me, but the arms I crave are not there, my parents can no longer comfort me, can no longer make it right, my Dad was gone, and my Mom was slipping away.

A mask.

Pretending it is okay, pretending I am strong.  I want so desperately to be strong, for my Mom. I would lie through my teeth, pretending it will be okay, but she knows, she knows it won’t, and so do I.

I’m scared to cry, scared that once the tears come they won’t stop, and so I push them down, down deep, and I wear my mask.

For today, I will be strong for her, as she was, always for me.

Later, I won’t be able to push the tears back, but today, I will smile, hold her hand and tell her how much I love her.

What did I learn? That when your world is falling apart, you are capable of facing it with grace in the moment.  You taught me that Mom, you taught me to be strong even when you don’t want to be.

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dear world_tilly rivers