Month: January 2012

You don’t know me

How can you pretend to know me?

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Dear World-When Did it happen?

Tilly Rivers: Lost

Dear World;
When did it happen?  When did I get lost? Make the wrong steps, forget who I am?

Sometimes I ask myself if I knew me at all, but somehow when I was with you, I lost me even more.

 I forgot to be myself, which by the way is pretty damn awesome, and started being someone who I thought you wanted me to be.

No, not once did you say that is what you wanted, you never asked me to change, you wouldn’t do that would you?  You wouldn’t come right out and say the words, for than you wouldn’t have a ‘fall back plan’ in which you could say: “I never said that, I never asked that!” You wouldn’t even have the courage for that.

Yet in the silence of hints, a push,  moments of ” if I loved you enough, proof of my love for you”  you screamed it ever so loudly. At this point I know you will deny it- arguing and denial, it is what you know best.

How very sad that I fail for that bullshit, I am after all a confident, sexy and strong woman, yet with you I felt none of those things- and in the end, I felt- nothing at all- frozen- hollow.

And then came the anger.

Funny that, anger, how it can consume your very core so very quickly. Like a wild bush fire, one second a spark, the next destroying everything in its path- of course the ‘everything’ in this case was me, and really “me”  being there or not, in the end didn’t really matter to you did it?

When did I forget World?  I only needed to be me, vibrant, full of life, amazing. When did I lower my standards to wanting to be the person you wanted instead of the one I am? For she was nothing, and day by day she kept becoming less.

I did it, I found the strength to walk away, to leave. Oh sure I slipped now and then, but you didn’t respond.  Thank you for not responding that was the BEST gift you ever gave me.

Now, I will rebuild me, better than ever for the experience of a scattered heart. Not just broken, but torn to pieces, ripped by your talons. Thank you for that as well, for now my heart will not be pieced back together with cracks and mars, but instead I will grow a new one, a beautiful one, one that no longer has any lasting trace of you.

Dear World, I know it was tough, I know I yelled and cried, and curled in a ball like a baby, I know I cursed at everything and everyone.

 “WHY?!” rang off the mountain tops around the world.

The answer?  Begin again.

Build a healthy, beautiful you.

Sending love on the wings of the wind
~T~

Imperfect

Tilly Rivers. Imperfect

Everything in this world seems to be put into categories, labels and neat slots have you ever noticed?  Even flowers are placed in a garden according to size, type and colour, everything in it’s neat and tidy place.  Why?

I’m not sure if you noticed but the most beautiful landscapes painted or photographed, in my humble opinion, are those of nature. Raw, real and vivid in colour. What catches my eye is a meadow of wildflowers, nothing ‘placed’ here unless you count the placement from the Gods and Goddess’ who gave them to each of us  in the first place. {and please don’t send me a note saying there is only one God-blah-blah, blah- I’m not judging your faith- don’t judge mine!}

A am a firm believer that in order to capture true perfection, to discover magick, there needs to be some ‘imperfections’ thrown in, a small purple flower in the mists of a group of yellow stands out- an old piece of driftwood bleached white and sitting on the beach oh sand in it’s gnarled glory are taken home as wonderful found treasure.

The same in true for people. Take me for example, I am so outside the ‘box’  I dance in not one, but many circles.  Hell, I even draw my own circles, not perfect circles, and if my foot falls outside the line? I celebrate, lines are meant to be moved, reshaped! Guess what happens? Sometimes you fall flat on your arse, sometimes the fall hurts and you sit and cry and wail like a baby- and sometimes, it turns out to be just right- you discover paradise.  For me it is worth the risk, because the moments in which you fall, you learn, and you move on, and in the moments of perfection- well….those are the moments we all live for right?

Wishing you a wonderful new year, filled with wild flowers!

Much love

~T~