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Ladies: Fun Ways to Boot out a One-Night-Stand

© Copyright Tilly Rivers 2005, all rights reserved

It’s an equal opportunity world peeps, women can and do have one-night stands; and this is a  ‘just-for-laughs’ list on how to boot out that guy in the morning that seems a little too clingy.

{Note: for the haters, no I am not advocating one night stands, nor am I saying that you should do it- that choice belongs to the individual}

1. Ask him what his ten-year plan is for your future children…
2. Look him directly in the eye and ask him if he would like to serve you breakfast in bed….for the rest of your life.
3. Wake up with a stretch and say… “Man I had this horrible dream that I was with this guy that”… look over and exclaim, “oh sorry…”
4. Get on the phone and pretend to be looking for the justice of peace in your area…. When he looks at you strangely, cover the mouthpiece and say. “ But you said we were going to elope last night…don’t you remember?”
5. Ask him for his mother’s number so you can set a family meeting…
6. Tell him he is worthy of being introduced to your…ten…cats…
7. Ask him if he thinks the laws for stalkers are too serious….
8. Pretend to be looking for clothes in your closet and mumble that you just know your mother’s wedding dress is in here some where….
9. Roll over and ask your make believe friend Mage if she likes the man in your bed, and than have a fight why he is just the perfect one….
10. Invite him over for the weekend at your place on planet Xaina… the third planet from the tenth sun, in the second solar system….

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Tilly Rivers- fish killer!

  “You thought you had it bad the Bitch BOILED me…”

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Noooooooooooo…please. Don’t make me go home with her….

Boris #6…should I or shouldn’t I? I was thinking of getting another fish….hmmm…let’s recap on the last five shall we?

Boris # 5 was my last fish.  Yes, he’s dead. Like Boris # 1 to 4.  B5 (for short) was a multi coloured blue male beta fighting fish- flushed; joining his brethren in the great toilet bowl in the sky.

I don’t mean to kill them, it just….happens. Believe me; I have house plants that thrive well, {well…semi well…~giggles~} two dogs that are all in good health, and yet when it comes to fish…..

Boris #4 just disappeared one day. I tend to believe that he just packed up his bags and left, and was not lunch for my cat. Please…just let me have my fantasy…. {smiles}…so technically I didn’t kill him right?

Boris #3….sigh….committed fish suicide. I found him on the floor beside the bowl…he just…jumped.

Boris #2….well….I thought the plug was in the drain…I DID…and when I washed the bowl and stones and… fish…let’s just say, there was no flushing needed. {yes, that day my blonde roots ran deep…what can I say! ~giggles~}

Boris # 1…he was a happy fish, swam around the bowl, and would greet me in the morning for his food. One day I moved him…to what I thought was a nice sunny spot…it was sunny all right…poor Boris…became fish soup…

And what tragic end became of B5? Cat? Nope; fish-suicide? Nope; Drain? Nope; Boiled? Nope. {see I learn from my mistakes ~smiles~} B5…well I kinda-sorta-maybe forgot to feed him….yes…he too was flushed and went on to fishy heaven. Do you think they are comparing stories?

“You thought you had it bad the Bitch BOILED me…”

Okay so getting another fish is a bad idea….maybe I’ll get a Cactus….

‘Did you hear that?’ I’m pretty sure there was a great sigh of relief from all fish everywhere…

Dear World It’s me- Tilly. Another Birthday? How did that happen?

Happy Birthday to Me!

The month of June is here, the year 2012. And with it comes another birthday. Mine.  I know it happens each year…the anniversary of your birth, but it sure seems to have come upon me fast this year. 2012 seems to be going by in a blink of an eye world, we are six months into it …already half of the year gone…Wow…when did that happen?

For me, this is a time where I look at my past, both the good and the not-so-good. The not-so-good is a time to learn from, not a time to dwell on. I am a firm believer that you learn from your past, and especially the mistakes. I plan for the new year, my ‘new year’s resolutions’ I guess is a good way to put it.

What is in store for me this year? Truly I am not sure, I have a few plans, but I am going to keep them secret for now, for nothing is concrete and I like to keep the spontaneity alive, can’t let things get to boring or hum-drum! I have a good friend spending next week-end with me… my birthday week-end, and I know there will be lots of laughs, even more wine and fun in store. Who is this friend you are wondering? First name Nunna…last name Urbiz. ~giggles~  Some secrets are meant for only me!

On that note World, it’s time for me to sign off . It’s Friday, and I have a nice glass of red waiting for me….some where…he he he

Sending love on the wings of the wind

Kisses ~Tilly Rivers~

~T~

Sex Myths- BUSTED


Bigger is better!-In a society that measures success with size (big house, big car), people can be worried if their body parts don’t ‘measure up.’ Fear not! A body part’s size is not related to its function. Female breasts of any size can produce milk, and any size of penis can urinate and pleasure its owner or a partner. Most women say they need other clitoral stimulation besides the penis to climax, anyway.

Simultaneous/multiple orgasm is a good sex objective-Contrary to carefully scripted Hollywood sex scenes, radio sex therapist Rhona Raskin says your orgasm is not an achievement award. Comedian Reggie Martin also has a word for simultaneous orgasm — “coincidence.” Sex is over when both people are satisfied, which may or may not include an orgasm for each.

Spontaneous is best-Sometimes. Sometimes this belief is used as a cover to escape responsible sexual planning (i.e. by not having condoms at hand). Sometimes scheduling in this hectic world is the only way sexual activity will happen. The sense of anticipation built up during the day (sexy phone calls or notes, getting the chores out of the way) can lead to a great encounter.

Love and sex

Touch me, Tilly Rivers

Sexual expectations are based on reality-No one ever tells us that only about one per cent of the population looks like models, or that sex can be awkward and messy. Expectations that are out of sync with reality and acting out fantasies can be disappointing. Fantasies don’t have to consider real mechanics, real body parts, real fatigue or the diaphragm zinging across the room.

 

I can’t get AIDS-AIDS is a disease of the general populace transmitted through the exchange of body fluids. Some groups are at higher risk than others are, but anyone can get AIDS and you can’t tell by looking or listening if someone is infected. The only way to be sure is through testing and monogamy.

Sex = Intimacy-Sex can be a deeply intimate expression, or it can be very mechanical. Few people would view sex with a prostitute as intimate, for example, but sex may be one component in an intricate web of meaning, feelings and expression that defines an intimate relationship. Love and commitment — not lust — are the glue that holds a relationship together. Likewise physical affection is lovely unto itself, and not just as a prelude to sexual intercourse.

You can’t get pregnant if it’s your first time; if you douche with Coca-Cola; if you do it standing up, etc.-You have to be fairly clever (or gay) to defeat many years of refinements in the pregnancy mechanism. There is no magic day or magic way to have sex that guarantees no baby. Only methods prescribed by a doctor or labelled ‘contraceptive’ in the drugstore have prevention rates higher than 75 per cent.

Erections need ‘fixing’-Erections occur for all kinds of reasons, often for purposes that have absolutely nothing to do with sex. A man’s erection is not a disorder that only his partner can cure. An “achiness” in the pelvis in girls or guys that comes with arousal without orgasm will go away. No one ever died of an unresolved erection.

Masturbation is unhealthy-Most men and women, partnered or single, masturbate. The frequency varies with the individual: it’s normal to do it and normal not to do it. It is one way to compensate for differing levels of desire. If you masturbate, you will not go blind or be affected mentally.

Sex is over at age…? Aging affects sexual desire, thoughts and activity, but it doesn’t mean a person’s sex drive disappears. It’s entirely possible to have a satisfying sexual life throughout one’s lifespan. People who enjoyed sex when they were younger enjoy it when they’re older too. Sometimes medical problems that are correctable can get in the way.

The number 1 sexual myth is… “If you really love me, you’ll know what I like.”-The most common sexual problem couples face is poor communication about what they like sexually. ESP is a poor way of conveying those needs and desires, especially when every woman reaches orgasm differently. Most couples aren’t in perfect accord about frequency either.

Alice Bell is a Vancouver-based sex educator, a mother of two teenagers and an amateur comedian. She has been a registered nurse since 1981 and speaks throughout western Canada and Japan to people of all ages on matters of sexual health. Bell is acquiring a bachelor of science degree in nursing from the University of British Columbia. She is a columnist for the national magazine Sex Matters.