Month: April 2015

Lost my words

I look back at my writings and poetry and my heart hurts

I have lost my words, I am not the person I was once was.

Where did I go? How do I find my words again? The kind that speak from the essence of me

Have  I lost my soul? Where did I go?tilly

What has caused the loss? Where can I find the words?

Only I can get them back, only I can discover what the missing link is- I want to yell, and shout -but at who?

I want to blame something, someone but all paths lead back to me, my choices, my life, my grief, my anger

Betrayed by self, is there anything worse?

This above all; to thine own self be true.-William Shakespeare-

 

 

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The Blue Dress

Dear World- It’s me Tilly.

I think it was my 15th birthday when my mom bought me my first ‘grown up” sundress. It was so beautiful, a light blue in colour and had tiny straps with a tight front, but the skirt flared out and when I twirled I felt like Marilyn Monroe.Marilyn-Monroe-blue-gown-e1343919116627

I remember feeling grown-up, but I knew my parents had mixed emotions regarding that dress. My Mom was so very proud, while my Dad felt I was showing way too much skin. (Fairly tame when you think of today’s fashion).

It was mid-length, the hem hit just below my knee, my Mom smoothed it over with my Dad saying it would be fine with a shawl, or a small jacket. My poor Dad, it must have been hard to see his youngest; his baby girl; turning into a woman before his eyes.

My Grandma Smallman was visiting that summer and she told me what my gift was before my birthday, I’m not sure why she did that, I still to this day wonder why. My mom must’ve known though, because she asked me if Grandma told me.

We all tell fibs to our parents when we are young, but not very often do I recall ever out-and-out lying to my Mom. I did that day. I told her no; that Grandma didn’t tell me. I guess I just didn’t want her and Grandma to be upset with each other; or maybe I didn’t want my Mom to be disappointed.

It hadn’t mattered to me that Grandma had spoiled the surprise; it certainly didn’t take away from how beautiful I felt in that dress.

I remember wearing it to my Cousin Sandra’s wedding that August (my Birthday is in June) it was the first time that I really felt like a woman and not a girl; it was also then that I found out how much I loved to dance.

The dress was very likely used, but I didn’t care, it looked brand-new, and I felt special and loved it.  I never once told my Mom the truth about Grandma and that dress; I wonder if she knew how very special it was to me. On the wings of the wind, I send this message now- I hope you know- I love you, and I miss you so very; very much every single day. Thank you so much for my beautiful blue dress.