love.

The Tilly Rivers Story-Part 2

Dear World- it’s me Tilly

The Tilly Rivers story—Continued from Part 1.

Writing about yourself can be taken from others as egotistical, and to be honest with myself, as I try hard to look at both my strengths and weaknesses, I will admit that part of it is ego driven, after all I have accomplished a lot in my life, have walked the edge of brimstone and thought there were times I would fall into the pit of darkness never to return, but I did…return that is, and am proud of my walk, the good and the ugly, so maybe ‘ego’ isn’t the right word, maybe pride is. I am proud of myself, so if you are reading this and thinking- man what an ego- well my friend, your are right, but confident, not cocky.  The dictionary says ego is: a sense of self-esteem, with synonyms of : self-worth and  self-respect. Is life not about learning from your experiences and moving on?

The boring stuff about me….

Neither of my parents had an extra-large family, considering the time period when families had 13 or more kids. My father had 2 brothers and 1 sister. My mom had 3 brothers and 1 sister, relatively small when you think of the era.

Is this the part where I insert a bit of family culture? Sure…why the hell not. Oh, did I mention I curse a lot? So you can expect bad words like fuck, hell, damn, shit and motherfucker in here? I am sure I did ~giggles~

Recently I did some digging in my family history, and put together a small book about my ancestors and their journey for my siblings and immediate family. It was certainly eye-opening and I discovered that I am a miss-mash of European French,  Irish, Scottish and English- good lord what a mix of…..a mix of…..well…..mix of culture. (Tee Hee)

…and now the teaser…oh come on, you knew I was going to, it’s called a hook and every writer uses them…

It has been said that French lovers, are the best lovers- pour nous savons l’art de touche, et vivre la passion au plus plein. (for we know the art of touch and experience passion to the fullest ).  And hence the reason I will leave discussing me as a lover to the last…of course I know you can just skip to the last entry if you are reading this in sequence…so maybe the lover section will not be last after all but in part three…or ten….~ giggles~ truth is I don’t know when I will write it, for the stories and memories unfold as they do.

Where was I? God I even confuse me at times! Forgive the rambling- it is just going to happen, part of who I am.

Me- the Niece.  All of my aunts and uncles were married, and are dear to my heart, but the distance made it easy for me to be a ‘niece’. It was for the most part, a title, happenstance of birth as I only saw them a few times a year. To say I have a favourite aunt or uncle would not be a fair statement, as I did not have an opportunity to know all of my aunts and uncles well. But this I do know, the times when my parents were with their siblings, there was this vibe- an energy of love and laughter that I was VERY proud to be part of.  My parents loved beyond measure, their siblings, their parents, and most especially their children. I was very blessed, even if at times I was too young, or just to stupid to always recognize that fact.

Me- the Aunt…..~insert screeching brake sounds here~ Hey, I just noticed I did not mention sister in the line up of who I am in part one, how silly of me. Would this be the part where a physiologist’s spidey senses perk up? Come on- you know- spidey senses, as in Spiderman whenever there was danger- his senses would tingle. I am a firm believer that we all have them- spidey senses that is- or a sixth sense.

There I go again, off track ~smiles~ this mind of mine roams in a million directions at once. They say (and who are ‘they’ anyway and why are they always yakking? ~giggles~) – that is a sign of great intelligence- in this particular case I will agree with them, cause I am a very smart girl. ~giggles~ Just ask me, I’ll tell ya! he he- but I hate to burst your bubble, I love my siblings very much therefore the physiologist would be off the mark. Sure we have had our ups and downs- what siblings haven’t? But nothing big enough to break apart our bond.

Now that the side note is over, and back to my original thought- sister-no no wait, Aunt was my original thought, not sister ~damn are you still with me? I told you I would ramble! My point is  I will write about being a sister as well. After all I am the baby in the family- with 3 brothers and 2 sisters to my credit.

Aunt: and for the record, great-aunt…
I am the youngest of nine, six living members of the Rivers clan. Yes, Rivers is my real name- after the disaster of my first marriage I took back my name (along with my life!)- and no matter what the future holds- marriage or no- partner or no- I will NEVER take another’s name, I am a Rivers! I am me!

The countdown—
My eldest sister had 2 daughters; her 2 daughters have 5 children.
My eldest brother has 3 children(one is ‘technically” a step-daughter, but not to us!). They have 5 children.- are you getting scared yet? Hell- I’ve only just started.
Next sister-1 Child. Her child has 3.
Next brother- he has 7 children( 2 stepchildren) and they have 7 children- don’t worry- even I am getting confused.
The second youngest in the family ~insert drum roll here~ 7 children as well and at last count there are only 6 children born from the 7(4 of his children are still young).

Shit I’ve lost count, how many does that make? A shit load!

I love them all, even if I do not get to see some as often as I wish too. The fact is, as I was only seven when I was gifted with the title- aunt. Today, we (My nieces/nephews and I) rarely see each other, maybe once a year, and I suppose that happens in a large family. The second generation of nieces and nephews, sadly, is even worse-some I have only seen– maybe once– since they were born. I guess a family reunion is needed.

That is not really their fault, not seeing each other,  it is mine. I know that I put my career above most things, or at least I did. Not so much because of the love of money, or success, but for the drive not to fail, you see I had HUGE issues with failure; something I work on every day. Another touchy issue for me was being ‘poor’- as that is what I was growing up, dirt poor, as in having no money. I learned a very valuable lesson, not to long ago, when my Mom passed away about ‘poverty’ that I will share in the section about my Mom. She was a pretty amazing woman…and I think I will just wait to talk about her for a bit, if you don’t mind…my parents, and my abusive marriage will be the hardest parts for me to write about and the truth is I’m not ready to revisit that pain.

Why? Simple really in regards to my parents it’s because of how much I miss them and love them, they are both gone now. And my ‘X’ because of the abuse and while it no longer holds any power over me (most of the time) it is still a part of my life that I don’t shine a light on. I can say this— that my walk at the time through hell gifted me with 3 beautiful miracles. My children!!

To be continued….

Advertisements

So hard to shop for

Dear World It’s me- Tilly

Those that know me, know that I love Christmas, Winter Solstice, Yule…the celebration of love. For truly that is what the season is no matter what you wish to call it.

The celebration of giving; expressing your love for another. This task  shouldn’t be difficult; and yet so often I hear “you are so hard to shop for.”

Really….?

Those in whom are in my tight inner circle should know me, they should know I love my family, nature, and photography, that I collect santa and snowman decor; that I love art and colour. That  flowers in my garden bring me great joy,I delight in hats; music, art, wine and dance. That I smile when I am creating anything, from pottery to photography- to writing; that to truly be me, I MUST be creating and expressing myself all the time. I play in paint; some are kind enough to call it art; I lay on the grass and watch the clouds and see ‘visions’ of cloud-art- moments of being one with the world; I will touch a rock and feel it’s heart beat within; and surround myself with nature; the touch of the sun on my face, the feel of the wind on my skin; to dance naked in the rain; picnics and waterfalls are pure bliss for me. I love the silly things my dogs do; to taste new things; smell new smells; hear laughter and sit in silence.

I love to GIVE…my greatest gift is in the giving. To watch their joy; see the smile of my beloved ones.

loveI love popcorn and peanut butter; snuggling while watching a movie, or horseback riding; I love…I just love..and I would love what you bought me no matter what it was.

So you see I am not so hard to shop for after all; if your gift is wrapped in love, that is all that matters.

Connecting the Dots

I recently started writing “Connecting the Dots” stories and history about my family.

For those of you just following my blog here is a fast recap: I have lost both of my parents, and have decided to write this book- story- Novella—?? called Connecting the Dots {Sorry not sure what it will turn out to be} as a tribute to my parents….see…I told you it would be fast! ~smiles~

As I write I am not sure if it is helping my healing process for it certainly stirs up lots of emotions, but what I do know is that despite the weird, despite the secrets and the drama, despite the fact that my family would make an AMAZING soap opera and out do any reality TV show out there- ~smiles~ – I have rediscovered just how much I LOVE my family.

Tilly RiversI love you because you are weird and wonderful!

I love you because you are part of me.

I love you…just cause….love is love and family is family!

Words

Dear World, it’s me-Tilly.

Words are a wonderful thing. My best friend. 99% of the time they are there for me, I can count on them to express my feelings, thoughts, to be able to articulate almost every part of my life. From love to my career. Words, after all are my career. Be it a gift or whatever someone may call it- words and I are for the most part are one. And even when I can’t find the words myself, there are those amazing song writers that have managed to touch deep inside my very soul, they express through the power of words what I am feeling- and inside my spirit I rejoice. YES-yes, that is exactly how I feel, or felt when….

So what happens when you can’t find the words to express what you are feeling or thinking? What happens when that 1% comes along and you are not sure…lost?

Do we not look for words of wisdom? Quotes- sayings? How-to-books. Words– the right word to carry us through whatever we are experiencing at the moment be it great sadness and pain, or great joy.  Words of love, of a broken heart. Words of hope, words of despair.

Do we not use words as swords to slay our enemies? Curse them- curse all. Words yelled.

Do we not whisper words of love, desire and need? Close in our lovers ear, do we not express how much we want them?

But what happens when you can’t find the words to express what you are feeling or thinking? What happens when that 1% comes along and you are not sure…when no words have been written to match what you are feeling?

What…..than?

Tilly Rivers-Dear World.