Inner thoughts and feelings from my journal.

Copyright Tilly Rivers 2017

 

Dear World- It’s me…Tilly

Sometimes I wonder why a journal is kept secret, why are they hidden? Are we so ashamed of our thoughts and feelings, so scared that we will be judged that we need to hide the truth of who we are?

I believe that  inner true thoughts are not so much secret as they are sacrosanct. The sad part is that most people do not have someone that they trust enough to be pure with. Someone who will not judge as they lay open their weaknesses, fears and sacred core too.

That is sad. I am blessed that I have moved passed the worry of being judged, I am who I am and I’m not scared to speak my truth, to tell my experience and to share my thoughts.  I wrote this  in 2009 and wanted to share it here-today.   Inner thoughts and feelings of me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~With Mom falling so sick so quickly after Dad passing away (funny I can say that now, deep breath, My Dad is dead.) I realized something very important about myself as I was standing in the corner of the hospital room. After searching high and low for a spot with no one in (not an easy feat by the way as people are every where) it I crunched low in a ball in a dark corner and just stared into nothingness.

I was lonely, for the first time I think ever. I was lonely. Needed arms to hold me, words to give me strength and encouragement.

You see normally that would come from the major corner stone in my life. My Father. But he was not there and even while siblings surrounded me, I was alone, scared sick, and frantically just wanted to run. It flowed over me like a descending blanket and all I wanted was to escape. I couldn’t handle this. I was helpless and knew I was losing my Mother.

How badly I wanted to just jump up and disappear from every one and every body. Just be one with the wind on a journey to nowhere.

Avoidance I know. The avoidance of a pain I knew that was coming that could not be healed, could not be fixed.

My love of my parents is so deep. How will I face losing them both? I am so scared that part of me won’t recover and  I will wander in the dark desperately searching for the light switch…forever.

Lonely.

Not a nice feeling. Hate it really, standing so frenetically needing arms to hold me, but the arms I crave are not there, my parents can no longer comfort me, can no longer make it right, my Dad was gone, and my Mom was slipping away.

A mask.

Pretending it is okay, pretending I am strong.  I want so desperately to be strong, for my Mom. I would lie through my teeth, pretending it will be okay, but she knows, she knows it won’t, and so do I.

I’m scared to cry, scared that once the tears come they won’t stop, and so I push them down, down deep, and I wear my mask.

For today, I will be strong for her, as she was, always for me.

Later, I won’t be able to push the tears back, but today, I will smile, hold her hand and tell her how much I love her.

What did I learn? That when your world is falling apart, you are capable of facing it with grace in the moment.  You taught me that Mom, you taught me to be strong even when you don’t want to be.

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dear world_tilly rivers

 

 

 

 

 

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Thank you

Dear World it’s me- Tilly

To: J, S & D

Thank you for every time you went left, when I thought you should have gone right. I thought it was my job to protect you, to fix-it, whatever ‘it’ was. I thought as a parent that I needed to clear the road so you didn’t stumble.

I was wrong.

Instead you taught me that even though you stumbled a little the path that was correct for you was the one you were on.

Thank you for telling me ‘no’ even if at the time I was upset, I thought I knew better, but as it turns out, you knew, you knew what was right and pure and true for your spirit, for your growth and for you to experience life your way.

Thank you for every mistake, not yours, but mine, for you, my dear sweet wonderful ones, taught me to grow and become better and learn. You took me with you on a journey that I never would of experienced. I would not be the person I am if I hadn’t taken those steps.

Thank you for teaching me to understand that you needed to be you, and that I needed to let go and look how wonderful you are, each of you, true to yourselves and walking the path you have chosen.

I will try harder not to worry so much, I know I worry too much, I trust you will make the right choice for you, and even if you don’t, I will trust you’re on the path you were meant to be on, for you have proven to me that you are your own beings, and capable of handling what life gives you, the good, and the bad.

Thank you for being amazing, and free, and loving, and thank you most of all for just being you.

I love you, I am proud of you, and I am so happy you are in my life ‘as is!’

Imperfection

Dear World- it’s me: Tilly

For me perfection is not in what is perfect, it is in the imperfections, every flaw and fiber of who you are, the good, the bad and the ugly. The dark and the light.

Reality

Truth

It is the obstacles defeated, the expereinces life has given you, the mars of the body

It is in the ability to see above, beyond & over, to see all of me, as I see all of you, existing honestly and knowing that you are true to yourself, as I am true to myself.

Perfection is often fake, an image, the illusion of what you want to show, the carefully hidden, the ‘make-up’ you apply to hide the fear you carry, scared or embarrassed by the flaws.

Perfect to me is about the courage to be confident with every scar showing

tillyrivers_rain_hands

Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring. ~Marilyn Monroe~

Come…play with me…

In a world of white beige or grey
I see blues, greens and reds
Fairies dancing
The enchanted

In a world of white wash
Transparent glass
I see oranges, yellow and purple
Pixies
The enthralled

In a world of faded light
Ignored by the masses
I see pinks, gold and silver
Glimmering Sprites
The mesmerized

I am colour
Come…
Play with me…

tillyrivers_paint
Copyright ©  Tilly Rivers

Did I Take the Time

Copyright © 2005 Tilly Rivers. First published in poetry book: Blessings by Tilly Rivers.

To my warlock, I love you Puno, T

Did I take the time to show you?
How much I love you
Today

Did I tell you?
Your smile can change my point of view
Make my heart light
That I automatically smile back

Did I remember?
To touch you
Tell you without words
How much you make my spirit sing
How happy you make me every day

Did I look in your eyes?
Telling you from my inner self
How much your love fills me
Did I speak the words?
Today

findmeintherain_tillyriversWhen the time comes…

Look for me in the rain

Hold out your hand

I will be there

Some of us listen…

Listen

Copyright Tilly Rivers, 2005- all rights reserved

This poem is from the poetry book “Blessings” by Tilly Rivers written in 2005

The fountain of knowledge is forever pouring upon us
Some of us listen like a container turned upside down
Catching not a drop, spraying over in a useless manner
The container remaining empty
Physically attending to the words
Pretending to listen
In fact not listening at all-mentally some where else

Some of us listen
As a container with holes, the fountain leaks
The holes never be filled
We are trying with only half a heart
We retain only parts of the knowledge given
We are lacking the mindfulness and memory
To be filled completely

Some of us listen
With a vessel containing poison, the fountain isn’t pure
The container has been contaminated
We retain only the knowledge we can twist and spin
The intention to use it later, to harm another

If only we could listen with wholesome motivation
With love

If only we could listen with the same dedication
To the  core fountain
That each of us deserve