Today we planted flowers at your grave

July 29, 2017

Dear Mom & Dad,

Today we planted flowers at your grave. My sisters and I, your daughters times three.

No special occasion, just a sunny day in July.

Today I cried as the shovel scraped the headstone, I wanted to remember the sound of your voices, not the eerie echo of a silent stone.

Today I swallowed the sobs deep inside, trying hard to be strong, but the pain was heavy and the tears sprang free.

My sister asked if I was okay…I nodded and whispered I was fine.

Deep inside my heart I know the truth, part of me will never be alright again.

I carry on each day, honouring you by being the best person I can, a woman you can be proud of.

I miss you both so very much, love you beyond measure.

Today we planted flowers on your grave, my sisters and I, your daughters times three. A little crooked and off center, a symbol of our love, forever.



Vision or dream?

Dear world…It’s me…Tilly

I was lying in the state of timelessness absorbing the sun from the window and clearing my mind when I  saw myself leave my body and look back at me lying on the floor and we smiled at each other. In my vision  I was completely naked.

I ran and jumped into the air and felt the slice through the clouds, the wisps of air tickling my naked flesh, the tingling of the clouds welcoming me, playing with me and I laughed.

The clouds carried me. A journey. Time blended into nothingness, clouds, lifted me up until I was standing on a rainbow.

The colors were brilliant yet transparent. Like a stain glass window. I was amazed that the rainbow was not slippery, for in my imagination I have always thought it would be, like a giant slide.  I can’t explain the texture, it was…magical.

I walked along the highest curve;  I knew I was going up yet I did not feel as if I was climbing, like you would a hill, I felt upward motion but there was no physical sensation of doing so.

As I stood at the top of the arch I looked down. Not over the rainbow but through it and saw my body alight from the sun, still lying on the floor, the earthly me and the other me and we smiled at each other; connected yet apart.

The rainbow moved, guiding me now instead of me walking, and I sat on the downward slope. My naked bottom touching the rainbow and I marveled at the feel. It was warm not a misty dampness as I had always thought, a warm heat. As if the rainbow read my thoughts, I felt it smile and  it carried me down the other side. The wind caressed my flesh, and I never felt more alive more excited in my life.

I landed on the other end of the rainbow into a magic treasure that so many seek but never find. I looked up at the rainbow and it smiled.

“Building dreams Tilly is what you are meant to do.”

I laughed and took a hand full of the bounty and threw  up the golden discs and they came down like a shower over me. Not hard, and clanking as coins do. Not solid gold pieces that would hurt your tender flesh if they were thrown on you, but a fluid gold ocean that absorbed me, like the ocean on your flesh joined with you. The laughter rang out from the world below and I laughed with the world.

I looked down, through the gold ocean and  you were standing there. Solid.  You looked up and saw me and a small smile edged the corner of your mouth.

Tilly Rivers_Rainbow

That look. The look you have when you think I am going to/ or have done something totally outrageous that only I would do.

The look that said while you admire my spirit, you had mixed feelings about it. The look of envy that you wish you too could unchain yourself to be free as you craved.

The look of fear. Fear of falling, of failing.

The look of protection. The combined measures of “go Tilly go”, and the “will you please get down before you get hurt”.

I beckoned you to come with me. You shook your head.

I knew you were scared. Scared to leave the solid physical plane of earth, scared to leave the familiar. Scared to let go, for you were thinking that you would spin out of control.

I reached out my hand. I would be your anchor for as long as you let me. For as long as you needed me.

I whispered  “Don’t be scared, I will not let you fall.”

That was when I returned to my earthly self.

It’s okay my love; I won’t let you spin out of control.

Leap. You’re going to be fine.

Be free to be you.

I am reaching out my hand… I won’t let you fall.

Love, T

Veils of me

Dear World. It’s me…Tilly

The veils of me.

Like wisps of coloured tissue paper layers covering the gift underneath. Light pieces of paper, each one fragile, at the mercy of the giver.  Will the layers be stripped with ruthless selfishness, the layers stripped without thought or will the layers be removed with care?

Have you ever wondered why the beautiful woman in the dance of many veils never truly reveals her entire naked frame? Why her audience sits spell bound with wonder while they wait for each element of translucent material to be seductively removed from her body as she turns, arches and spins her lure?

The dance is to seduce the one in whom she dances for, the way the luminous layers of material are removed from her body. It is about not the body underneath, it is not even about the beauty of the woman. For in actuality you never really notice her face, it too is covered.

It is about the journey. As you sit and watch with your breath held in your lungs to see which way she will turn her body for your visual pleasure next. It is about the stimulation. Your mind conjures with the unexplained within. Which veil is next? How will it be removed? What flash of the person will she reveal?

The dancer knows she is not so much exposing herself to her audience, as she trusts the audience to appreciate the web being created for their pleasure. Never a trap, nor a game of manipulation for she detests these in others and would not be part of that game. More the dance of creation. A delicate web of silk strands not to hold you in but to share links together. Trust. For some it is easily given and sadly even more easily removed.

For me it is given rarely.

veil dance_TillyRivers_2017

My Mother use to tell me that I was given a sensitive soul. A blessing. I absorb energy, feel everything, sometimes to an extreme, the energy  becomes a part of me, naturally giving, spiritually open, but is this a blessing? Or do I need to protect myself? Afraid of being engulfed? It is both.

People in general do not understand or experience a state of union with another. They certainly do not understand how once I have opened the portal of my energy and allow another in that they have the power to not only hurt me but mark a part of my soul.

It took some life lessons for me to learn to protect myself. My super-charged sensitivity made me an easy mark for energy vampires, whose fear or rage would sap my energy and peace of mind.

I have learned that not all are worthy of all layers of me. In all things there is balance and in my own dance of veils called life, I keep the final veil for those that carefully, and lovingly remove the tissue paper knowing that each layer is the gift not just the core, and once they see and understand the gift of me, they know it is not a one-time thing, that I am linked to them forever.

Love, T

This too shall pass

Dear World- it’s me…Tilly

When I look back it reminds me how far I have come ahead. It reminds me that I have grown and become better.  Life lessons for the most part aren’t pleasant, but if  I deal with my feelings, and I mean really DEAL with them, sit in the pain, let myself cry and wail, let myself be angry, let myself get it out, and not push it down, not pretend everything is okay, I am better. Below are my words written in my journal ;2005.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~At the time, I felt scared and lost.  The feeling of “What the fuck am I doing wrong?” Like a buoy in the ocean, anchored but not. Floating but not going anywhere.  Waiting…for what?  I  haven’t a clue?  Just waiting, just thinking, yet not thinking at all.

A blanket of ice surrounded me, darkness that I welcomed.   Not knowing who I am, not knowing who I want to be.  Not knowing why this was happening, and why I allowed it too happen.

I trusted someone I shouldn’t of in my past, and did not even recognize the abuse until it was too late. I have asked myself a million times, how could I have not seen it?

What I did next was worse. I buried it. Deep. To the point of denial. I pretended it didn’t matter, that I was over it. In the end I paid a price, because it wasn’t over, I let it control my relationships with others, I let it make me distrustful and hard and I let it take away parts of who I was.

The worst part? I stopped trusting myself, my judgement in people, in love. Now I know I it wasn’t me, but him, he was mentally imbalanced, and the things he did were not because of love, but because he was fucked-in-the-head.

I needed to learn that it was okay to be pissed off. That there was not something wrong with my heart, or my judgement. I needed to learn that I was tricked, and that he was very good at hiding his truth. That is on him, he owns that, not me.

One day maybe I will write about the extent of the abuse I suffered from the hands of another, and it will unfold as a story, like watching a film on the big screen, no longer capable of harming me.

I have learned that I will always carry the scars of the years wasted in pain, but that pain no longer holds me captive.

Now I know that if you pretend that it never happened, you will continue to avoid life. If you ignore it, if you let it fester deep down it comes back and bites you square in the ass, saying “Pay Attention Girl!”

I know that I am not helpless or hopeless.

 “Before a dream is realized, the soul of the world tests everything that was learned along the way.  It does not because it is evil, but so that we can in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we have learned as we have moved toward that dream.  Every search begins with beginners luck, and every search ends with the victor’s being severely tested.” ~Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist~

I have learned that my personal mantra is simple. “Just breathe Tilly Rivers, for this too shall pass.”


just breathe_tillyRivers

© Copyright 2017, Tilly Rivers. All rights reserved.



Inner thoughts and feelings from my journal.

Copyright Tilly Rivers 2017


Dear World- It’s me…Tilly

Sometimes I wonder why a journal is kept secret, why are they hidden? Are we so ashamed of our thoughts and feelings, so scared that we will be judged that we need to hide the truth of who we are?

I believe that  inner true thoughts are not so much secret as they are sacrosanct. The sad part is that most people do not have someone that they trust enough to be pure with. Someone who will not judge as they lay open their weaknesses, fears and sacred core too.

That is sad. I am blessed that I have moved passed the worry of being judged, I am who I am and I’m not scared to speak my truth, to tell my experience and to share my thoughts.  I wrote this  in 2009 and wanted to share it here-today.   Inner thoughts and feelings of me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~With Mom falling so sick so quickly after Dad passing away (funny I can say that now, deep breath, My Dad is dead.) I realized something very important about myself as I was standing in the corner of the hospital room. After searching high and low for a spot with no one in (not an easy feat by the way as people are every where) it I crunched low in a ball in a dark corner and just stared into nothingness.

I was lonely, for the first time I think ever. I was lonely. Needed arms to hold me, words to give me strength and encouragement.

You see normally that would come from the major corner stone in my life. My Father. But he was not there and even while siblings surrounded me, I was alone, scared sick, and frantically just wanted to run. It flowed over me like a descending blanket and all I wanted was to escape. I couldn’t handle this. I was helpless and knew I was losing my Mother.

How badly I wanted to just jump up and disappear from every one and every body. Just be one with the wind on a journey to nowhere.

Avoidance I know. The avoidance of a pain I knew that was coming that could not be healed, could not be fixed.

My love of my parents is so deep. How will I face losing them both? I am so scared that part of me won’t recover and  I will wander in the dark desperately searching for the light switch…forever.


Not a nice feeling. Hate it really, standing so frenetically needing arms to hold me, but the arms I crave are not there, my parents can no longer comfort me, can no longer make it right, my Dad was gone, and my Mom was slipping away.

A mask.

Pretending it is okay, pretending I am strong.  I want so desperately to be strong, for my Mom. I would lie through my teeth, pretending it will be okay, but she knows, she knows it won’t, and so do I.

I’m scared to cry, scared that once the tears come they won’t stop, and so I push them down, down deep, and I wear my mask.

For today, I will be strong for her, as she was, always for me.

Later, I won’t be able to push the tears back, but today, I will smile, hold her hand and tell her how much I love her.

What did I learn? That when your world is falling apart, you are capable of facing it with grace in the moment.  You taught me that Mom, you taught me to be strong even when you don’t want to be.


dear world_tilly rivers






Thank you

Dear World it’s me- Tilly

To: J, S & D

Thank you for every time you went left, when I thought you should have gone right. I thought it was my job to protect you, to fix-it, whatever ‘it’ was. I thought as a parent that I needed to clear the road so you didn’t stumble.

I was wrong.

Instead you taught me that even though you stumbled a little the path that was correct for you was the one you were on.

Thank you for telling me ‘no’ even if at the time I was upset, I thought I knew better, but as it turns out, you knew, you knew what was right and pure and true for your spirit, for your growth and for you to experience life your way.

Thank you for every mistake, not yours, but mine, for you, my dear sweet wonderful ones, taught me to grow and become better and learn. You took me with you on a journey that I never would of experienced. I would not be the person I am if I hadn’t taken those steps.

Thank you for teaching me to understand that you needed to be you, and that I needed to let go and look how wonderful you are, each of you, true to yourselves and walking the path you have chosen.

I will try harder not to worry so much, I know I worry too much, I trust you will make the right choice for you, and even if you don’t, I will trust you’re on the path you were meant to be on, for you have proven to me that you are your own beings, and capable of handling what life gives you, the good, and the bad.

Thank you for being amazing, and free, and loving, and thank you most of all for just being you.

I love you, I am proud of you, and I am so happy you are in my life ‘as is!’