Dear World- it’s me…Tilly
When I look back it reminds me how far I have come ahead. It reminds me that I have grown and become better. Life lessons for the most part aren’t pleasant, but if I deal with my feelings, and I mean really DEAL with them, sit in the pain, let myself cry and wail, let myself be angry, let myself get it out, and not push it down, not pretend everything is okay, I am better. Below are my words written in my journal ;2005.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~At the time, I felt scared and lost. The feeling of “What the fuck am I doing wrong?” Like a buoy in the ocean, anchored but not. Floating but not going anywhere. Waiting…for what? I haven’t a clue? Just waiting, just thinking, yet not thinking at all.
A blanket of ice surrounded me, darkness that I welcomed. Not knowing who I am, not knowing who I want to be. Not knowing why this was happening, and why I allowed it too happen.
I trusted someone I shouldn’t of in my past, and did not even recognize the abuse until it was too late. I have asked myself a million times, how could I have not seen it?
What I did next was worse. I buried it. Deep. To the point of denial. I pretended it didn’t matter, that I was over it. In the end I paid a price, because it wasn’t over, I let it control my relationships with others, I let it make me distrustful and hard and I let it take away parts of who I was.
The worst part? I stopped trusting myself, my judgement in people, in love. Now I know I it wasn’t me, but him, he was mentally imbalanced, and the things he did were not because of love, but because he was fucked-in-the-head.
I needed to learn that it was okay to be pissed off. That there was not something wrong with my heart, or my judgement. I needed to learn that I was tricked, and that he was very good at hiding his truth. That is on him, he owns that, not me.
One day maybe I will write about the extent of the abuse I suffered from the hands of another, and it will unfold as a story, like watching a film on the big screen, no longer capable of harming me.
I have learned that I will always carry the scars of the years wasted in pain, but that pain no longer holds me captive.
Now I know that if you pretend that it never happened, you will continue to avoid life. If you ignore it, if you let it fester deep down it comes back and bites you square in the ass, saying “Pay Attention Girl!”
I know that I am not helpless or hopeless.
“Before a dream is realized, the soul of the world tests everything that was learned along the way. It does not because it is evil, but so that we can in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we have learned as we have moved toward that dream. Every search begins with beginners luck, and every search ends with the victor’s being severely tested.” ~Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist~
I have learned that my personal mantra is simple. “Just breathe Tilly Rivers, for this too shall pass.”
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