Copyright Tilly Rivers 2017
Dear World- It’s me…Tilly
Sometimes I wonder why a journal is kept secret, why are they hidden? Are we so ashamed of our thoughts and feelings, so scared that we will be judged that we need to hide the truth of who we are?
I believe that inner true thoughts are not so much secret as they are sacrosanct. The sad part is that most people do not have someone that they trust enough to be pure with. Someone who will not judge as they lay open their weaknesses, fears and sacred core too.
That is sad. I am blessed that I have moved passed the worry of being judged, I am who I am and I’m not scared to speak my truth, to tell my experience and to share my thoughts. I wrote this in 2009 and wanted to share it here-today. Inner thoughts and feelings of me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~With Mom falling so sick so quickly after Dad passing away (funny I can say that now, deep breath, My Dad is dead.) I realized something very important about myself as I was standing in the corner of the hospital room. After searching high and low for a spot with no one in (not an easy feat by the way as people are every where) it I crunched low in a ball in a dark corner and just stared into nothingness.
I was lonely, for the first time I think ever. I was lonely. Needed arms to hold me, words to give me strength and encouragement.
You see normally that would come from the major corner stone in my life. My Father. But he was not there and even while siblings surrounded me, I was alone, scared sick, and frantically just wanted to run. It flowed over me like a descending blanket and all I wanted was to escape. I couldn’t handle this. I was helpless and knew I was losing my Mother.
How badly I wanted to just jump up and disappear from every one and every body. Just be one with the wind on a journey to nowhere.
Avoidance I know. The avoidance of a pain I knew that was coming that could not be healed, could not be fixed.
My love of my parents is so deep. How will I face losing them both? I am so scared that part of me won’t recover and I will wander in the dark desperately searching for the light switch…forever.
Not a nice feeling. Hate it really, standing so frenetically needing arms to hold me, but the arms I crave are not there, my parents can no longer comfort me, can no longer make it right, my Dad was gone, and my Mom was slipping away.
Pretending it is okay, pretending I am strong. I want so desperately to be strong, for my Mom. I would lie through my teeth, pretending it will be okay, but she knows, she knows it won’t, and so do I.
I’m scared to cry, scared that once the tears come they won’t stop, and so I push them down, down deep, and I wear my mask.
For today, I will be strong for her, as she was, always for me.
Later, I won’t be able to push the tears back, but today, I will smile, hold her hand and tell her how much I love her.
What did I learn? That when your world is falling apart, you are capable of facing it with grace in the moment. You taught me that Mom, you taught me to be strong even when you don’t want to be.