Dear World-When Did it happen?

Tilly Rivers: Lost

Dear World;
When did it happen?  When did I get lost? Make the wrong steps, forget who I am?

Sometimes I ask myself if I knew me at all, but somehow when I was with you, I lost me even more.

 I forgot to be myself, which by the way is pretty damn awesome, and started being someone who I thought you wanted me to be.

No, not once did you say that is what you wanted, you never asked me to change, you wouldn’t do that would you?  You wouldn’t come right out and say the words, for than you wouldn’t have a ‘fall back plan’ in which you could say: “I never said that, I never asked that!” You wouldn’t even have the courage for that.

Yet in the silence of hints, a push,  moments of ” if I loved you enough, proof of my love for you”  you screamed it ever so loudly. At this point I know you will deny it- arguing and denial, it is what you know best.

How very sad that I fail for that bullshit, I am after all a confident, sexy and strong woman, yet with you I felt none of those things- and in the end, I felt- nothing at all- frozen- hollow.

And then came the anger.

Funny that, anger, how it can consume your very core so very quickly. Like a wild bush fire, one second a spark, the next destroying everything in its path- of course the ‘everything’ in this case was me, and really “me”  being there or not, in the end didn’t really matter to you did it?

When did I forget World?  I only needed to be me, vibrant, full of life, amazing. When did I lower my standards to wanting to be the person you wanted instead of the one I am? For she was nothing, and day by day she kept becoming less.

I did it, I found the strength to walk away, to leave. Oh sure I slipped now and then, but you didn’t respond.  Thank you for not responding that was the BEST gift you ever gave me.

Now, I will rebuild me, better than ever for the experience of a scattered heart. Not just broken, but torn to pieces, ripped by your talons. Thank you for that as well, for now my heart will not be pieced back together with cracks and mars, but instead I will grow a new one, a beautiful one, one that no longer has any lasting trace of you.

Dear World, I know it was tough, I know I yelled and cried, and curled in a ball like a baby, I know I cursed at everything and everyone.

 “WHY?!” rang off the mountain tops around the world.

The answer?  Begin again.

Build a healthy, beautiful you.

Sending love on the wings of the wind
~T~

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